Author Archives: piglet1750

Post separation abuse

So often, the fear of post separation abuse keeps a victim trapped in the abusive relationship. So often it’s a case of ‘better the devil you know’. Plus, when you have children with your abuser, staying with them means you think you can better protect your children. I know that it took me such a long time to leave for good because I believed that i could better protect my daughter by staying. I realised that by staying I would end up dead and then I would never be able to protect my daughter again. And so I left, understanding that there will be times when I can not protect her as I cannot be there. But, she will have a strong, healthy, happy mother to return home to after each contact, a mother who will raise her voice when her daughters is being ignored. A mother who will raise her voice when he daughter tells her she too is being abused.

With leaving came many wonderful things, but it also brought with it post separation abuse via the courts, social services and directly from himself. Police bail did, and does nothing. A world run by men for men does nothing to protect the women and children in it. Misogyny is rife. The number of men and boys being indoctrinated by the incel community is horrifying. Statistics show that the first 12 months after a woman leaves her abuser are the most dangerous, the time period during which she is most likely to be killed be her former partner. A huge part of me understands that it is this way simply because women are so often ignored. Our experiences minimised, our in depth knowledge of our abuser ignored, our concerns brushed aside. Until it’s too late. Then the ones who are left hear cries of ‘we will learn lessons’ – lessons which are never, ever learnt because lets face it, we are just women and us and our experiences are not as important as a mans nor his life.

Summer.

My second summer without him. 

I am excited. 

I am free. 

Life is slowly falling into a new normal. 

One where shards of my life before him are returning along with newness. 

Life is forever split; before him and after him.

I will never be the person I was before him. 

Perhaps that is a good thing. 

Perhaps not. 

This chapter is a welcome new beginning, one I have longed for since the first few months of meeting him. 

One I could only dream of when I was with him. 

As the summer stretches out ahead of me, full of promise, I will sit in the stillness and take stock of how far I have come in the past 18 months.

I have come a long way but I am only just beginning. 

Smear campaigns

An abuser loves a good smear campaign. And they have to start it long before you truly realise how abusive they are, long before you leave them.

Whilst you sleep next to them they are smearing your name. Whilst you are trying so hard, so damn hard to keep them happy, they are smearing your name. Whilst they tell you they love you, yep you guessed it, they are smearing your name. They have to. When you leave you will eventually speak about them and what they did. They know and this is why they have to get in first. They have to make sure you are left with nothing and no one (it makes it so much harder for you to actually leave then).

You’ll know when it’s happening, you just might not be able to prove it straight away (if ever) and you’ll wonder if you’re going mad. If you mention anything to your abuser they will tell you it’s all in your head, that perhaps you could do with some sort of help.

I knew there was a smear campaign going on. I knew how deep it ran, how much damage had been done but I didn’t really realise just how early on it started. That’s been the kicker for me, just how soon it started. Do i wish it was different? of course. Will i try to right the things that have been said, the lies that have been told, the twisted truth? nope. The smear campaign, whilst horrible and terribly damaging to many people, has brought clarity. Some of these people knew me many, many years. The fact that they have listened, believed, without ever once asking me tells me everything i need to know about them as people.

The smear campaign has also shown me a lot about myself.

My resilience.

My grace.

My dignity.

All attributes my abuser does not possess and will never possess.

A little update….

Hello!

It’s been a while!

When I started this blog a couple years ago, I thought that that moment in time was the beginning of the rest of my life. Little did I know that that was just a brief moment and that I would go on to remain stuck in the cycle of abuse that I thought I had freed myself from. I stayed stuck in that cycle until December 2023 when I finally made a permanent break for my freedom.

Four months on from making that permanent break, and I feel that now is the time to start sharing my experiences with others.

I spent a couple of months living in refuge before finding a place of my own. Over the last four months, I have taken positive steps to begin to rebuild myself, my life, and to set goals in order to live fully the life that I desire.

I have achieved things over the last four months that over the last four years I was never allowed to. Over the last four months, I have experienced more peace than I have over the last four years – that’s even with post separation abuse ongoing! Over the last four months, I have been so very grateful for things that we all usually take for granted, things that are usually just a basic human right. Over the last four months I have been so touched by the kindness of complete strangers – from the stranger that I met on my way down to refuge and all of the strangers since my arrival who showed such kindness and compassion. Over the last four months, I have begun to realise the gravity of everything that occurred over the last four years, and the astonishing amount of trauma that I have been left with.

I am excited to pick up this blog again after these years, I hope to connect with you, I hope to educate you, I hope to empower you, whatever your situation, to live your life on your terms.